4s once again kicked off the day, and once again went down in a super tight encounter. The end score was 12-8 to UNSW despite KOBs having the bulk of possession and territory. We weren’t helped by a horrible injury toll, or the mild hurricane that made lineout throwing near impossible. Meggo had a great game and picked up a try and 3 game points, with Tom Smith and Steve Marshall also having solid outings.

Then came 3s who needed a win after their gallant draw with Balmain last week. They started well with Derek scoring a great solo try from a lineout, however went to the break down 10-7.  They came up with the goods in the second half after a very patient build-up in the UNSW 22, with Brendon Boulos eventually dotting down. I didn’t see the try but am told it was yet another 100m effort, this time with 19 chip-and-chases, 31 goose steps and the construction of a 15 man human pyramid (I am still unsure why). They held on in the closing minutes to take the game 14-10, and are now on the verge of the Blunt Cup top 4. Nick Novak took home 3 game points after yet another gutsy effort, with Derek and Brendon also grabbing points.

Colties were up next, and came out hot to skip to an early 10-0 lead. However that’s where the fun would end, with UNSW staging a committed fightback to take the game 17-10. A key turning point in the game was the ejection of coach Kelsall after he launched an abusive tirade at the referee. After the game he was clearly hit hard by the loss- he was so shocked he could barely walk straight, and struggled to talk properly. Another explanation could be the half bottle of vodka he downed before the game. Scholars disagree on this, so we might never know the answer. Either way it was a hard loss to swallow for the Colties, with Luke Rowntree, Pumba, Wol and the gappies (Niall, Zayn, Liam, Harry and Louis, shown below) all had great games.

2s came out firing, however were behind the eight-ball early with UNSW scoring the first three tries of the game. They never recovered, and went down 29-7 with Gilmore scoring a late consolation try. Richie Croft had a good game out wide, as did Coatesy and Boggy. Gus Rutherford stood up to the sideline sledges (most of which were coming from the KOBs bench) to deliver a good performance at the back, and coach Deane even had a run. The moral of that story- stick to coaching son. (By the way I didn’t say that. I will obviously be available for selection in a few weeks and wouldn’t do anything so foolish as to piss off the coach. It was Gus, I swear).

So once again the 1s ran out with the club desperately needing a win to salvage some pride and club championship points. The game started slowly, with both KOBs and UNSW potting early penalties. We were the first to score with Mr Versatility James Ford crossing under the sticks after a great snipe from the base of the ruck. However UNSW hit back twice and we went to half time down 16-10. The picture looked even bleaker for KOBs when UNSW scored a try soonafter half-time, taking their lead to 11 points. This could have been considerably more had their kicker not been a complete… ah… you know. KOBs looked out on their feet, and the visiting crowd went silent.

Slowly but surely KOBs began to work their way back into the game, thanks to some great grunt work lead by Rob Lagudi, Josh Moule and TK. Aure potted a long-range penalty to bring the margin back to 8, before Brendan Davis dived over to narrow it to a measly three points. All of a sudden it was UNSW that was starting to tire. With just seconds left on the clock KOBs were camped on the UNSW line. Wave after wave of attack was repelled. But then the break came, and the ball spread wide to Gilmore, who proceeded to drop it cold with the line open. Coach Deane screamed and kicked the closest thing to him, which sadly happened to be Campbell Rogers’ baby.

But all was not lost- KOBs had the advantage so it came back to a penalty under the sticks. With time up and a 3 point deficit most people would be content to take the draw. But not KOBs. Fordy took the tap and flung it wide to Lagudi, who then flung it again out to Jordan on the wing. It was a bad pass and once again all looked lost. But then Jordan beat one tackler. Then another. Then another. And he was over! Try. KOBs win. The crowd erupts. Coach Deane spins around and plants a kiss on the nearest person, which once again happened to be Campbell Rogers’ baby. Arguably this act was even more inappropriate then the kick. But I suppose we all do crazy things after a great victory, so Campbell thankfully decided to drop the charges.

While the players were celebrating the victory I went to talk to the one player who had made an early exit from the field- Brett ‘Badman’ Sullivan, who received a heavy knock to the head early in the second half. I asked him what he thought of the game, to which he stared blankly off into the distance and muttered something about birds. So I decided to give him some distance. I then tried to interview Man of the Match Rob Lagudi, but we couldn’t find his translator. I tried to ask him a few questions but he could barely understand me and clearly spoke only broken English. So I went Kelsall for his analysis of the game, but he unleashed yet another drunken, abusive tirade, none of which could be published. Deano was still trying to apologise to Campbell Rogers, and Gus was last spotted deep in the throng of UNSW’s female supporters. So I went back to Badman, who gave me my only quote of the article- “The birds… how… what’s going on there?”. Insightful.

Next week we have a big game against Forest at home. They are always a strong side, so we will need to be on our game. Attendance at Thursday training is compulsory, so make sure you get down there.

The visitors boasted multiple coaches for every side, former internationals (both 7s and 15s), and a well-drilled, battle-hardened group of players. They were coming to face the humble KOBs- a club that has three coaches across five grades, low-grade AFL strugglers and unemployed migrants marking said Balmain internationals, and seemingly only two pumped up rugby balls across the whole club. However they make up with it with sheer heart, and failing that some incredibly witty wordplay and name-based puns on the sidelines (just ask Brian Ross).

In the end Goliath won the day, with Balmain taking out 1s, 2s and colts. However the club can take a lot of heart from some strong results in lower grades, with 3s recording a solid 7-7 draw and 4s an after-the-buzzer 17-14 win that will surely be talked about for generations to come.

The day kicked off with the 4s, who were under the pump from the opening against a strong Balmain side. A try from the visitors was quickly matched by a try to captain OC, with Meggo adding another five pointer to go to the sheds with the score at 10-7 to the good guys. Once again Balmain had all the momentum early in the second half, and added another converted try with just minutes left to play.

At 14-10 it seemed all hope was lost, and on the last play KOBs were camped in their own half. A solitary tear trickled down the cheek of coach Kyle. But then out of nothing Meggo made a half-break, and threw a miracle offload to put Hozzo into space. With 50m to run and two defenders in front of him the signs still were not good. But then out of nowhere came Al Wong, KOBs answer to Usain Bolt, and it was curtains for Balmain. Hozzo gave it to Al and there was no stopping him. Try under the posts, game over. KOBs win in a thriller. It was great stuff from the 4s, who registered their first win and certainly not their last. Match points went to Hankin, Meggo and Yabba.

It seemed like the day could not get any better for KOBs. And it didn’t.

3s put forward yet another gutsy display to draw 7-7 in a brutal match. The game was a tight affair and played mostly between the 22s. It looked like KOBs were in the box seat after a second half try to coach Kyle after a brilliant backline move. There were runners going left, runners going right, and runners going backwards. It was a symphony of movement, and in the end Derek provided a lovely short ball for Kyle to break through. Charlie Crane converted from the sideline and KOBs were away. However Balmain hit back with just minutes left, with a runaway try to their winger. Both sides had shots to win it, but neither could convert, with a draw a fitting result. Derek, Ed Love, MacVicar and Charlie Crane bagged points.

Then came colts, who went down 19-7 to a big, well-drilled Balmain side. They showed glimpses of brilliance but in the end a few defensive lapses cost them. However the signs were good that come the business end of the season they can match it with the competition contenders. Luke Rowntree had yet another belter, with Wol and Sam bagging coaches points as well. The mood around colts is great and the wins will start flowing very soon.

2s was next up. And what a cliffhanger it was. It ebbed and flowed, with both teams looking the winner at various points of the game. Balmain fielded an undefeated 2nds, and were clearly nervous throughout the game in the face of a committed KOBs onslaught. In the end a few late penalties went against KOBs, and a few crucial bounces of the ball favoured the visitors, and they got home by the skin of their teeth, 39-0. Anstey had a huge game and was rightly rewarded with 3 points, with Mitch Harris and Brad also having good games. Plenty of work for the 2s guys to do with a big game coming up this week.

So then came 1^st grade, with Balmain fielding a star-studded lineup and boasting an undefeated record. The first half was a tightly contested affair, with both sides holding the momentum at various points. A late try to Balmain gave them the lead at the break 13-9, with Aure slotting 3 penalties for KOBs. However the second half was a different story, with Balmain playing some good rugby on the back of a few KOBs errors. They ran away with it in the end, 36-9, though the game was closer than the scoreline suggested. Badman had yet another titanic game to bag 3 coaches points, with Toby and JMoule also having belters.

After the game I went searching for Ryan Cross, and found him quietly weeping in his car. I asked him what the problem was, and he replied “I’ve been called a lot of nasty names in my time as a footballer, but nothing so mean as Brian Ross. I kept saying to the boys- that’s not my name! It’s Ryan Cross! I understand they sound similar but they’re NOT. MY NAME ISN’T BRIAN ROSS” He stamped his foot on the ground, then broke down crying again.

I consoled him for the next ten minutes, then he composed himself and added, “No wonder I had a bad game, I just couldn’t focus. A couple of the old guys on the sideline- they wouldn’t stop. I just wanted to tell them to stop picking on me. They are nothing but nasty bullies! Luckily my dad was on the other side of the ground and he made me feel better. He said I was a great player. So take that!”

Interesting comments to say the least. I ended the interview by saying “Thanks for your time Brian”, and he punched me in the face.

The main event came later that night though, with the first (and surely not the last) KOBs regatta, pitting eight teams of five in the ultimate test of endurance and skill – the boat race. In the end it was the 3^rd graders who took the trophy, with Ed’s Love Boat (Ed Love, Nick Novak, Ben Boulos, Kyle Loughlin and Dave Smith, coached by Brendon Boulos) defeating the Presidents V (Toby Buchanan, Josh Moule, Tim Gilmore, Hugh Cavill and Matt Martin) in a titanic grand final. The night also proved the younger players at the club have much to learn, with the Colties V and One Direction V (the gappies) both being well beaten in every round. The Hills Angels were similarly pathetic.

The festivities continued well into the night, and there will surely be some interesting stories to tell at Thursday training. All the more reason to get down there.

This Saturday we travel to UNSW, who are always a strong club across all grades. It is imperative you get down to training on Thursday, as this is a crucial game for every side. Get there.

In this episode we discuss the prospect of the great man coming to training to deliver a love tip in person.

Dear Mike,

I have devoured yout two love tips so far, and am craving more. However the written word just isn’t doing it for me any more- I want to see the great man in the flesh. When will you come back to KOBs and teach us your wisdom in person?

Yours,

Desperate

Desperate,

Let me tell you my son- you are certainly not alone. I have been inundated with questions, fan mail, love letters and even the creepy midnight phone call of someone breathing on the other line (probably super coach stalking me to come home). So with much excitement I can announce that I have made a decision.  Lock up your daughters, definitely lock up your wifes/wives- the Italian stallion, the heartbreak kid, the Mr ‘if this van is rocking don’t bother knocking’, the love guru himself is back in town for one week and one week only.

As I’m only here for a short period of time, girls remember you can’t be the first but you can definitely be the next. Don’t be jealous or a hater it’s a historical fact that guys want to be ‘this’ and the ladies want ‘that’, just grab a ticket and get in line.

It was a long flight back home and as I am a frequent flyer of the mile high club (expect anything less from your resident love guru?), this time charming yet another flight stewardess and the other lucky ladies of QANTAS flight didn’t interest me. This was the time for planning an open forum after training Thursday night. My philosophy on wingmanning and the origins, whale slaying and even a few thoughts on panther packing but cock blocker Williams would be better to lead that forum. So see you all Thursday night for a long awaited beverage and a few lessons on rugby and romance from the homeland.

This weeks tip: if your spunky, wrap your monkey

From KOBs resident Italian Stallion

Q: Ryan, Balmain are currently on top of the Club Championship, having only lost 2 games out of 15 played so far this season. I imagine the mood at the club is fairly jubilant?

RC: You would think that, but it is sadly not the case. We were thinking about letting our hair down after demolishing Forest, but then we had a quick glance at the draw and saw our next opponents were KOBs at Kings. You could hear the wave of panic run through the camp.  We had some blokes throwing up, others were quietly sobbing in the corner of the dressing sheds. It’s pretty clear the boys knew what was on the cards for this Saturday.

Wow. So it’s fair to say your expectations of this weekend are pretty low?

Well, yeah. We would love to pinch a game or two, but I think in our heart of hearts we know it just isn’t going to happen. I saw KOBs results against St Ives- they frankly scared me. I read the match reports, and the coach of their 1^st grade sounds some sort of deranged rugby genius. I’m going to be trying my best but I already know my best just won’t be good enough.

OK. Let’s talk about you personally for a moment. Where does this game on Saturday rank in the great challenges of your career?

What a stupid question. #1 by a country mile. I’ve played 143 games in the NRL, 64 in Super Rugby and 18 tests for the Wallabies. But frankly nothing comes close to the standard of the Barraclough Cup, and playing KOBs at Kings is the ultimate challenge. It’s like piggy-backing a sumo wrestler up Everest. I’ve heard the field is littered with the corpses of opposing 1^st grade backs who didn’t make it through the game. This will be the chapter in my autobiography that everyone will be hanging out to read- provided I come through the game without losing all control of my manual dexterity.

What about the bloke you will be lining up against on Saturday- James Ford. Have you been doing any research into his playing style?

Any research? I’ve practically spent the last three days watching videos of the guy. I can hardly sleep. The way he can unlock a defensive line, it’s so effortless, so beautiful. At times I’ve been moved to tears watching him make line break after line break. And then there is his kicking game. It’s like Jonah Lomu had a baby with Stephen Larkham, and then that baby had a baby with Black Caviar. The man just has it all. Frankly I’d turn for him but he is way out of my league.

Anyone else at KOBs who you’ve been researching?

Well there is one bloke who I hope to see this week, and that’s this Lagudi character. The man seems to be some sort of Casanova, I’m frankly not sure he even exists. No man can be that good with the ladies. I’ve been around the world playing sport (if you know what I mean) but this guy is like nothing I have ever seen. I hope I can catch up with him and get a few tips.

Any last message for the KOBs players?

Please don’t hurt me. I have a family.

Short and sweet, great stuff. Thanks for catching up with us Ryan.

My pleasure. Is the interview over? Just want to talk to you about switching clubs, do you have any spare spots?

No, I’m still recording. But in answer to your question- not sure you’d cut it at KOBs mate. You could play 4s but I’m not sure your style would gel well with Gloss…

OK. I understand.

Cool.  

Kings play Balmain on Saturday at Kings, with 4th grade kicking off proceedings at 10:45. It promises to be a cracker of a day, to be followed by the inagural KOBs regatta at the Nags Head after. Get amongst it.

Conditions were fine and Hassell Park was in good knick. Colties were undermanned and facing a strong St Ives unit, the same unit that took out the comp in 2011. In the face of such adversity they battled admirably, conceding four tries inside the first twenty minutes but fighting back to end the game at 33-17 to the Saints. Luke Rowntree, Nick Wolley and Joe Regan had good games. Also Gus Rutherford seems to be finding his feet after a couple of games in Colts, which is great to see.

Then came the main event of the day, the one the people had come to see- the mighty 4s attempting to break their winning drought. And shit they came close. Yet another hard-fought game saw a 12-12 draw, with Brendan Gow and Chris Towells bagging meaties. Surely a maiden win is imminent. Towellsy, Gloss and Noodles bagged points in a good team effort.

Obviously deflated, most of the 5000-strong crowd then cleared out, but there were still three games to play. 3s had an up-and-down day, but still could not break their St Ives hoodoo, going down 17-14. Down 14-0 it looked like all was lost, but then a try to Steve Marshall (from a ‘chip and chase’ that looked to most like he knocked it on cold, but thanks to a brilliantly perceptive piece of officiating by the referee the try was awarded) added some spice to the game. Jimmy Armstrong scored late but it wasn’t enough. Dave Smith was awarded a whopping 4 match points (after a herculean display that made a number of men on the sideline rethink their sexual orientation), with Jimmy and Steve picking up one apiece.

We were desperate for a win, and thankfully 2s delivered a great 17-7 victory over an undefeated St Ives side. It was a brutally physical display, with our forward pack stepping up in a big way. Boggy turned back the clock with a commanding performance and took out Man of the Match, with Richie Croft and TK getting both tries and game points. Hopefully this is the start of a glorious undefeated run for 2s.

After 2s got us on the scoreboard, 1s were fired up to square the ledger for the day. St Ives were motivated in front of a large home crowd, and came out with all guns blazing. However KOBs weathered the storm expertly and an early try to Toby Buchanan and a few solid kicks from Aurelian Bouthier saw KOBs take a 13-3 lead into the sheds at the break. Saints came out strong in the 2^nd half, and scored first to take the scoring to 13-8. However that was the closest they would get, with two tries to Simon Wotton and another to Toby. The end score was 33-8, another 4 try BP and another great win to Kings. Toby and Badman picked up refs points, while the coaches points went to Aure, Toby and Fordy.

By the time I found Coach Deane post-game he was already celebrating in the St Ives clubhouse, naked and too drunk to even speak.  How he managed this in the 15 minutes between full time and me looking for him is totally beyond me. So I went to captain courageous Toby Buchanan (he insisted I refer to him as ‘captain courageous’ both in this article and the interview itself. Then he changed his mind halfway through and demanded I call him ‘Mr President’. But went back to ‘captain courageous’ at the end). Said captain courageous- “Sure, I could have scored a couple more tries, but I was saving myself for NSW Subbies trials tomorrow. Even though I know it’s pretty much a foregone conclusion that I will be picked, hey, but I thought I’d better be on the safe side.”

He then unleashed a tirade against both Fordy and Coach Deane after I asked him about not being awarded 3 Coaches points, instead having to settle for just 2- “Who are these muppets? Was Fordy even playing? Because all I saw was the tryline- twice. If these people aren’t careful I’ll walk out of this club, and then you watch it crumble to pieces without me”.

Next week KOBs face a stern test with Club Championship leaders Balmain coming to the Kingdome to face us in battle. That will be followed by a great event at the Nags, with details to be provided shortly. Get amongst it gents.

After making the 6 hour trip down to Barden Ridge (which was not so much a suburb as a clearing in the woods), it turned out the field was pretty good and all grades were fired up to give it to Oatley with both barrels.

4s started promisingly, and with two tries to man of the match Brendan Howe they were locked at 14-14 with just ten minutes to play. The forwards held the ball well and seemed to have control of the game. Sadly some indiscipline (and poor officiating) saw Oatley bag a couple of penalties to take the win 20-14. Gibbo and OC both had crackers, and a win is just around the corner.

3s was the highlight of the day, with a brilliant try after the siren giving us a 15-12 win. All three front rowers scored tries- Ed Love (an 80m runaway), Nick Novak (a 95m runaway) and the clincher by Brendon Boulos (an 110m effort with six chip-and-chases, 14 goose-steps and a bicycle kick). But seriously it was a great effort with every player chipping in. Ruds bagged the 3 points for an outstanding display, with Zach taking two and the front rowers one apiece.

2s were a bit undermanned, hit hard by injuries and unannounced late withdrawls (you know who you are). However they gutsed it out and went down 20-12 in a tight one. Similar to last week it took too long for us to switch on, but when we did there were some top tries scored by Brad and Thommo. Gilmore lead well from the front, with the front row also fronting up.

The main course of the day was 1s and they delivered a try-fest, going down 42-31 in a free-flowing affair. Sadly KOBs were never really in it and a few late tries added some respectability to the score and ensured we walked away with a 4-try bonus point. Oatley were on fire, with miracle passes sticking and the ball bouncing their way. Still our ability to stick with it and walk away with the BP was encouraging.

I went looking for coach Deane after the game, and after a lengthy search found him in the carpark attempting to slash the tyres of the Oatley players’ cars. When asked for a quote he produced a five minute rant, heavily laden with swears and racial slurs too graphic for even this column. He then broke down in tears, and said: “Every time a KOBs player drops out at the last minute a part of me dies inside. I take it as a personal rejection. Why can’t you love me Nick Williams? What have I ever done to you? Am I not pretty enough?” He then started sobbing again, then started singing Kasey Chambers. I think he took it pretty hard.

Boys we have three events to look forward to this week- ANZAC Day at the Nags, training on Thursday and the game against St Ives away on Saturday. All three are important events for the club, so get involved. Also pay your subs if you are yet to do so, details are on the website.

Playing fields 9 & 10
Recreation Drive
Barden Ridge

Where is Barden Ridge you ask? Good question. It’s South. Very south. Here is the google maps link:

http://maps.google.com.au/maps?rls=com.microsoft:en-au:IE-SearchBox&oe=&safe=active&redir_esc=&q=recreation+drive+barden+ridge&um=1&ie=UTF-8&hq=&hnear=0x6b12c05653728213:0x9f2a01e1f61998d7,Recreation+Dr,+Barden+Ridge+NSW+2234&gl=au&ei=QceQT7OwM8uciQeqotTyAw&sa=X&oi=geocode_result&ct=image&resnum=1&ved=0CCIQ8gEwAA

and here is a street directory print-out of the field specifically:

http://menai.rugbynet.com.au/verve/_resources/Menai_Rugby_Grounds_file.JPG

The playing times are as normal (4s at 12, 3s at 1, 2s at 2 and 1s at 3:15).

Please spread the word, we are struggling for numbers this week and will need as many people as possible to get there.

If you need a lift please reply to this message or post on the facebook page.

We apologise for the miscommunication earlier, and I can promise that Toby will make up for it by shouting every winning team a beer at the Nags after the game.

Saturday’s game against Oatley is still on at this point in time. We will have further confirmation tomorrow as the weather is forecast to clear up a bit on Friday and Saturday. Make sure you keep abreast of emails/facebook/twitter/website as all will be updated when we get a definite yes or no.

Lesson 2 covers ways to stand out from the crowd and attract the attention of that special someone:

Dear Mike,

I have no personality or any unique features. I need some techniques to stand out from the crowd. I’ve heard about ‘peacocking’, wearing something unusual to try and make myself the centre of attention. Do you have any tips for me?

Yours,

Vanilla

Vanilla,

Thanks for the question. Peacocking…ha…well I’m glad you asked me that question because I myself have known to be a cocksmith (a person who peacocks). Peacocking can be defined in the Lagudi dictionary as ‘Dressing to impress in order to get the beast with the best get away sticks’. I consider peacocking an effective tool for an ineffective approach artist- people such as Chris ‘the Rat’ Lucas (due to his unfortunate shade of hair colour) or for Nick ‘The Cock Block’ Williams (because he’s Nick Williams).

But gentlemen we must appreciate and respect the issues surrounding being a cocksmith. Seasonal themed peacocking is acceptable. Easter, Christmas, Halloween, ANZAC day, pub golf, preso lunch and especially the Supercoach’s birthday (15th August and he likes massage vouchers or a mani-pedi gift certificates) these are all good days for cocksmithery. I myself have done a little peacocking in my day- well I mean, who hasn’t (my tactic used to be wearing a gold cape and introducing myself as ‘the bedroom superhero’… Did it work? Don’t be stupid, I’m fucking Mike Lagudi… of course it did.) We have all seen Tim Moule’s ahh…leg hugging jeans, we have all seen Gus Rutherford’s latest Ralph Polo shirt, yet with 6 of the buttons undone the moral of the story here is that these are gods amongst men…watch and appreciate them in your next spare moment.

My latest peacock attire is a jersey designed by the world greatest sporting brand and sponsor of the great KOBS, Samurai Sportswear- this is the ultimate peakcocking jersey.

The stallion’s final comment is that there is peacocking, and then there is M.L.P (Mike Lagudi Peacocking, also known as ‘Gudi cocking’)…dressing to impress with a suit from my old cousin Giorgio Armani. This will cock any event, any girl, any size…dont believe me? Ask the top try scorer Simon ‘Slippery’ Wotton of the term Fellatio Friday. It involves 65 year old grandma, 45 year old daughter and a great good. Lets just say the man has a gift with women.

So beware of the peacock- don’t over-maneuver or you’ll get no hoover.

And my tip for the day- don’t be silly, wrap your willy.

Gentlemen go and be wise,
From the KOBS’s home grown Italian Stallion.