Dear Guru,

I’m a colt and I’m single.  I’ve started at collage and I’ve noticed all these beautiful looking women around campus.  The thing is – they don’t notice me?

How do I land one?
Confused,

Dear Confused,

I don’t claim to be relationship expert, sure I’ve got the box set of Dr. Phil and I’ve read John Grey’s masterpiece “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.” (1992, Amozon $29.95 plus postage.) but i can offer some advice on the matter.

Before I met my darling, I had quite the reputation as a ladies man in Brisbane.  So much so, I had to move to Sydney and started playing Rugby with Kobbies.

Confused, you’re almost on the mark with the phrase “land one.”

Landing women is like landing fish:  Here’s how:

You need a Rod:

It goes with out saying that you need a rod to catch a fish. Same goes with women.  You need to first understand how your rod works.  If you have a small rod, you go after small shy fish.  If you have a big rod, you can go after the trophy fish.  You need to clean and maintain your rod.  Understand your rods limitations.  Never say that you have a big rod to impress the girls.  If you don’t get this right, you’ll never land one.

You need a line:

The great 250+ Kobby legend Sarg had a line.  His was “Your beauty doesn’t intimidate me (then walk away) – worked like a treat for him.  Mine was simple, straight forward and worked almost every time.  Here’s what you do:  Go to a house party and stand by the light switch.  When an attractive young lass walks past, quickly flick the switch and go for the inner thigh.  If she screams, say “Sorry, I thought that was my leg.”

You need bait:

You can’t catch a shark with a worm.  Same with girls.  You can’t catch a woman without alcohol.
Good news for you colties. The Alcohopop tax has been dropped.  That means more bait for the ladies.  If you throw a party – never have BYO – always make a punch (bait) for the ladies – I always went for OUZO and lemonade.  Worked a treat.

Tackle:

Refer to “you need a rod.”  But like all tackle you need a box.

Where do I fish:

You don’t fish off Shark Island to catch Rainbow Trout. You have the Rod, Bait, Line and Tackle.  The most important part of fishing is doing your research. Follow a couple of rules and you should be fine:

  1. Rule one:  Trawl for ladies at dawn or dusk.  I’ve never seen a Sea Perch being plucked from the ocean at midday.  Only professional fishermen can achieve this feat!
  2. Rule two:  Fish, like woman, travel in schools.  The secret is to lure them away from the others.  E.g. tell them what they want to hear – If they look like a Grouper tell them they look like a Murray Cod.  It works, trust me.
  3. Rule three:  Fish in international waters.  Back packers are like the fisherman’s basket at your local fish and chip shop.  It’s a good feed at the time, but its smells, its too oily and you don’t really know the name of the fish that your eating.  But lets face it lads, they are good fighters!  You can’t beat international waters. Just ask the Japanese!
  4. Rule four:  Taxi cab lines are like aquariums.  You have a variety of fish in the one location from all over Sydney.  This is the last chance to land in the big one!  Always look for fish holding pizza boxes and always ask to split a cab with them – even if you don’t live in Campbelltown – you have an hour and 45 minutes to reel them in.

What do I do when I land one?:

As a gentleman, I never reveal what happens, but from a fisherman’s perspective I would scale them, rub little oil over the fresh flesh and serve on a bed. If it’s a trophy fish – forget about scaling them and mount them straight away.

Confused, I hope I’ve helped a little.  Remember that you don’t always catch a fish every time you go out.  Sure you will get some nibbles at the end of your rod.  But like all good fisherman you will have some terrific stories of the ones that got away and the keepers that you took home.  Always remember to take a photo of your catch and never boast about how big she was at the pub!

Tight lines.
Guru

(If you have any of life’s questions please send me an email.  Your questions and identity are highly confidential and will be treated with respect.)